I've been thinking a lot about Facebook recently.
More specifically, I've been thinking about the natural rise and fall, ebb and flow of relationships in our lives, and how those are impacted by Facebook. We have childhood friends with whom we either continue to connect in High School - or don't. Then those high school pals sometimes keep in touch with us after we graduate and head on into new adventures, or we just sort of drift away into a mutually satisfied silence. Then we meet new folks in college, or at our jobs. The list goes on: boyfriends, spouses, other mothers with kids for playdates, church friends....
Before we had Facebook, or social networking in general, or even the internet at all, we would each have only a certain number of people in our concentric circles of friends. Every person has a different personality type, so of course some people's circles might be very broad, encompassing many, more shallow relationships, while others will have a very small, tight group truly intimate friends.
I think though, that once we all hit adulthood, that circle of friends would probably stop expanding. As we gained new friends, we would also lose touch with older ones. We might still keep them on our Christmas Card address list, but they wouldn't be folks we'd call and speak with every day. The relationships would naturally, gradually end. Our circle would reach an equilibrium number of friends and not stray far from it.
Facebook has created a new and artificial way to "maintain" relationships with people we might otherwise have never kept in touch with. Facebook provides us photos and phone numbers, birthdays, addresses, a steady stream of daily thoughts/philosophies, and even a plethora of games we can play together. We can surround ourselves with hundreds, even thousands of "friends" on Facebook. And perhaps, if one tends to feel (as I do) a bit lonely and isolated in one's current life situation, one might take solace and comfort in those numbers: "See! I've got almost 400 friends on Facebook, and I can tell you exactly how I know every one of them! It's proof that I'm not just a great person, but also a wonderful friend!"
Here is the problem though. How many of those many people there do we actually KNOW? How many do we interact with regularly? How many do we call on the phone, invite over for dinner, or meet for a kids' playdate, or much-needed cup of coffee? How many of my friends on my list really know my thoughts, hopes and fears? Can I honestly say I know all of theirs?
Facebook has provided a great alternative way to keep in touch with people, especially with its photo-sharing and event planning functions. But it also can cause some major heart ache as well.
For me in particular, I've found some friends here that I really want to be true friends with, that don't comment on my status updates often, or seem to ignore the ones I post on theirs. I've found people I wanted to reconnect with that wouldn't accept my friend requests. I've discovered after the fact that people with whom I wanted to remain friends had un-friended me later.
But really, the fault does not lie with any of them... it lies with me. If I don't take time to reach out to my friends in REAL ways, meeting face-to-face, or at the minimum voice-to-voice, then can I say I actually have a relationship with them? Maybe they don't want to just maintain a "virtual" friendship. Perhaps they don't like IM's and status updates and photos here and there.
Have I been too unavailable for the people I claim to care about and want in my life? For all those people I had to leave to move for my husband's job, I guess it's too little too late. The ones who truly knew me will be happy to meet up when I visit, but the others have probably just decided that I didn't think they were worth my time and written me off.
I have tried to do that arduous task of purging "obsolete" friends off my list many times. Honestly, I have a hard time letting go of old relationships. Perhaps I'm a bit of a friend hoarder, or perhaps in my loneliness, I can't bear the thought of letting go of what seems to be a friendship, even though it's actually nothing more significant than an occasional "like" button push. I'm going to make the effort again soon though, to try to reach out more to the people on my list who really are my true friends, and whose relationships I'd hate to lose just because I've been too distant in the past.
I'm also going to un-friend folks that I haven't spoken to in a long time, and honestly don't plan to see or speak with often in the future. That sounds so harsh though! Well, I will TRY to do that. If you're reading this in the future, and I've un-friended you and you wish I hadn't, don't hesitate to send me a message, and please don't take offense.
Finally, to any of you that I seem to be stalking, or have smothered in the past, who would really rather I just leave alone: I'm sorry. Perhaps I just don't know how to read the writing on the wall... no pun intended. I am finally understanding that sometimes I want a friendship with someone more than they want one with me. I know I am not perfect, and I'm sorry that I haven't done a better job of being a true friend. And I'm trying to remember that it's better to have 100 real, true friends that I have genuine relationships with, than 390 that I never talk to.
And really, at the end of the day, how many of us truly have the time to read through 400 friends' worth of status updates, photos, events, links, and quotes? Especially when we're trying to chase after three kids and all of their messes?!
Good night from the Not-So-Perfect - but still trying to be as good as she can - Mom.
~N~
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