A Little Social Network Housekeeping

I've been thinking a lot about Facebook recently.

More specifically, I've been thinking about the natural rise and fall, ebb and flow of relationships in our lives, and how those are impacted by Facebook. We have childhood friends with whom we either continue to connect in High School - or don't. Then those high school pals sometimes keep in touch with us after we graduate and head on into new adventures, or we just sort of drift away into a mutually satisfied silence. Then we meet new folks in college, or at our jobs. The list goes on: boyfriends, spouses, other mothers with kids for playdates, church friends....

Before we had Facebook, or social networking in general, or even the internet at all, we would each have only a certain number of people in our concentric circles of friends. Every person has a different personality type, so of course some people's circles might be very broad, encompassing many, more shallow relationships, while others will have a very small, tight group truly intimate friends.

I think though, that once we all hit adulthood, that circle of friends would probably stop expanding. As we gained new friends, we would also lose touch with older ones. We might still keep them on our Christmas Card address list, but they wouldn't be folks we'd call and speak with every day. The relationships would naturally, gradually end. Our circle would reach an equilibrium number of friends and not stray far from it.

Facebook has created a new and artificial way to "maintain" relationships with people we might otherwise have never kept in touch with. Facebook provides us photos and phone numbers, birthdays, addresses, a steady stream of daily thoughts/philosophies, and even a plethora of games we can play together. We can surround ourselves with hundreds, even thousands of "friends" on Facebook. And perhaps, if one tends to feel (as I do) a bit lonely and isolated in one's current life situation, one might take solace and comfort in those numbers: "See! I've got almost 400 friends on Facebook, and I can tell you exactly how I know every one of them! It's proof that I'm not just a great person, but also a wonderful friend!"

Here is the problem though. How many of those many people there do we actually KNOW? How many do we interact with regularly? How many do we call on the phone, invite over for dinner, or meet for a kids' playdate, or much-needed cup of coffee? How many of my friends on my list really know my thoughts, hopes and fears? Can I honestly say I know all of theirs?

Facebook has provided a great alternative way to keep in touch with people, especially with its photo-sharing and event planning functions. But it also can cause some major heart ache as well.

For me in particular, I've found some friends here that I really want to be true friends with, that don't comment on my status updates often, or seem to ignore the ones I post on theirs. I've found people I wanted to reconnect with that wouldn't accept my friend requests. I've discovered after the fact that people with whom I wanted to remain friends had un-friended me later.

But really, the fault does not lie with any of them... it lies with me. If I don't take time to reach out to my friends in REAL ways, meeting face-to-face, or at the minimum voice-to-voice, then can I say I actually have a relationship with them? Maybe they don't want to just maintain a "virtual" friendship. Perhaps they don't like IM's and status updates and photos here and there.

Have I been too unavailable for the people I claim to care about and want in my life? For all those people I had to leave to move for my husband's job, I guess it's too little too late. The ones who truly knew me will be happy to meet up when I visit, but the others have probably just decided that I didn't think they were worth my time and written me off.

I have tried to do that arduous task of purging "obsolete" friends off my list many times. Honestly, I have a hard time letting go of old relationships. Perhaps I'm a bit of a friend hoarder, or perhaps in my loneliness, I can't bear the thought of letting go of what seems to be a friendship, even though it's actually nothing more significant than an occasional "like" button push. I'm going to make the effort again soon though, to try to reach out more to the people on my list who really are my true friends, and whose relationships I'd hate to lose just because I've been too distant in the past.

I'm also going to un-friend folks that I haven't spoken to in a long time, and honestly don't plan to see or speak with often in the future. That sounds so harsh though! Well, I will TRY to do that. If you're reading this in the future, and I've un-friended you and you wish I hadn't, don't hesitate to send me a message, and please don't take offense.

Finally, to any of you that I seem to be stalking, or have smothered in the past, who would really rather I just leave alone: I'm sorry. Perhaps I just don't know how to read the writing on the wall... no pun intended. I am finally understanding that sometimes I want a friendship with someone more than they want one with me. I know I am not perfect, and I'm sorry that I haven't done a better job of being a true friend. And I'm trying to remember that it's better to have 100 real, true friends that I have genuine relationships with, than 390 that I never talk to.

And really, at the end of the day, how many of us truly have the time to read through 400 friends' worth of status updates, photos, events, links, and quotes?  Especially when we're trying to chase after three kids and all of their messes?!

Good night from the Not-So-Perfect - but still trying to be as good as she can - Mom.

~N~

A penny saved is... awesome!

"WOW!" exclaimed the young cashier at Vons a few weeks ago when I was there making one of my normal weekly trips.

The bagger just rolled his eyes.

The ladies behind me gasped and smiled at me, nodding in quiet approval.

I had just spent $38 there, but had saved over $66. It was not my best shopping trip ever, but it was certainly an excellent savings day for me indeed!

So I've heard these things: "Those crazy couponers have no life and way too much time on their hands!" "It's an addiction!" "They're so cheap, they are just in it to defraud the grocery stores!"

I want to take a moment to set the record straight about using coupons to help save money on groceries and household goods vs an obsessive hoarding of supplies you couldn't use up in 40 years!

I do have a fair amount of time on my hands right now, I readily admit that. I am (for now) a stay at home mom, who has just been transplanted over 700 miles from my childhood hometown to a new city I've never lived in before. I have friends here, and my husband's family, but not all the activities I used to be involved in. I'm no longer in school, I'm not singing in any professional choirs, and I'm not driving all around town visiting various family members any more. So yes, I have the time to sit and clip coupons, file them neatly in my coupon binder, and do a little internet research to find great deals.

But now here is where I want to make one thing clear: ANY person could do what I do to a certain extent. You could choose to give two hours/week to gathering just a few coupons & looking at sales fliers, or even just one hour. Some people who do this never clip a single coupon. All they do is follow websites like The Grocery Game or CouponMom.com. (My two favorites.)

Basically, the bottom line is to follow a tried and true bit of financial advice: When the price is low, buy it, and buy it in bulk. We do it for stocks, we do it for clothing, (clearance racks anyone?) we often do it the day after major holidays too, in preparation for the next year's holiday. Groceries tend to follow a 12 week cycle, during which time every major category will have some huge markdowns. If Vons is offering cheese at a price almost never before seen, say 80% off this week, you can bet it makes sense to me to buy enough of that to last my family a good 12 weeks or so. (If there isn't a "limit 4" or something on the sales flyer, and as long as there's room in my freezer!)

So why does this make me crazy? Why would a bagger roll his eyes at me, or a friend chide me about having too much free time? My full time job right now is to take care of the children, making sure they're ready for school, and to keep the house in order. It's also my job to make sure the groceries don't go over our budget each month.

Prior to this big move, we were on food stamps, and also getting some help from my mom, who frequently helped prepare meals and ate with us. It's amazing how much grocery prices have gone up, and how much more we have to spend out of pocket on food now than we did before. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to be fully contributing to society again, instead of relying on the government to help us with our needs, but it's just been a big adjustment.

So if I can get a tube of toothpaste for free, darn it I'm going to go get it! And if using a coupon in addition to a sale price gets me cereal for less than $1.00 per box, don't call me crazy for buying 20 boxes of it and stashing it out in the garage. (Have you seen how fast my family of 5 goes through cereal?!?!! lol!)

The other key is to "cherry pick." I almost never go into a store with my list, thinking I'm going to have a one-stop-shop. I get the best deals at Food-4-Less, then head over to Vons to get their best deals. The next day I might hit CVS and Target. Again, I have a little extra time, so I can make visits to 3-4 stores each week (plus they're all really close to my house, so not too much driving and gas, another important consideration.) Also, it's not like I'm hurting the grocery stores. Every manufacturer's coupon I use gets reimbursed. They send them in and get the money back. The only way the stores are hurting is if they are offering inventory at below cost, and that's not really MY fault now is it?

Here's a handy little list to help everyone remember the differences between your friendly neighborhood couponing bargain hunter and the "crazy" or maybe OCD coupon lady down the street:


"Normal" Deal-Seeker: Garage has two shelving units stocked with a huge variety of items like toilet paper, paper towels, facial tissue, cleaners, canned goods, boxed foods, shampoos and deodorants. If you were to take inventory, there would probably be enough to last that family 12 weeks to 6 months, depending on their preference. (Some people just like having a years' worth of supplies on hand, in case of a disaster or loss of job, etc.)

"Crazy" Couponer: Has shelves in the garage full of toilet paper that is enough to last her and her small family 40 years. Has so many items in the garage that it will no longer fit in there, but overflows to other parts of the house. Has items that will never be used before their expiration dates, and yet she refuses to part with them or give them to charity.


"Normal": Has a fairly organized pantry, refrigerator and freezer. Also has products organized in bathrooms, linen and laundry closets. She/he always has a pretty clear sense of how many items are on hand and when the supply is starting to get low.

"Crazy:" Has grocery bags of stuff never even unloaded cluttering up the house all over the place. She/he has to ask his/her spouse to check how much of something is on hand.


"Normal:" Gets one copy of the newspaper delivered each week, checks the coupon inserts, then goes out and buys 1-3 more copies if they are really good that week. Might also order coupons from services that you pay to clip and ship them for you, but only on items the family really goes through fast each week. Prints online coupons, but feels content that she/he is only allowed to print a certain number of them. (Understands that it's more fair for everyone to get to take advantage of a deal or two rather than for one person to get them all.)

"Crazy:" Goes recycling-bin-dumpster-diving for extra coupon inserts or orders thousands of them each week. Isn't content until she or he has exhausted EVERY coupon-gathering option, including creating several e-mail accounts or hounding family and friends to print for him/her. Might even go door-to-door asking neighbors and strangers for their coupon inserts.


"Normal:" Uses couponing and sales-matching to enrich the family's lives by buying better brands, or by having more money available for other pricier options, like organic fruits. Also generously donates free/cheap items to charities, and enjoys having enough food on hand to get to take a week off of shopping once in a while. Chooses to spend as much time as needed to get the deals, but not so much time that it takes away from family activities.

"Crazy:" Uses couponing and sales-matching to build his or her hoard. Uses money saved to buy insurance for the hoard, or to go out and buy even more of the cheap items. Gets a real high off going shopping and seeing the savings at the end of the receipt. Devotes tremendous amounts of time to shopping and researching prices, to the point that relationships suffer. No limits on how much of any given product is "enough."


There, I hope I've shed light on why I do this, why I think it's fun, why I don't think it's a waste of time (2 hours to save $66?) and why I don't feel I'm addicted or OCD about it.

Now that I've said that, would anyone care to give me their coupon inserts this Sunday? If you're not going to use them yourself that is.... ;)

~N~

Bad news for job seekers

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110309/ts_yblog_thelookout/jobs-returning-but-good-ones-not-so-much

Just saw this story on yahoo this evening, and it made me sad.

It also made me want to point out to folks calling for massive cuts to "entitlement" programs like welfare, unemployment benefits, and food stamps, that the jobs available could still leave many people in poverty, even though they are now working.

I don't have simple or easy answers either, so I'm hesitant to criticize our lawmakers too much. This can't be an easy task, figuring out how to manage the budget properly.

But I just hope they are reading the same news I'm reading, and thinking about how vulnerable many Americans still are. I hope we can find a way of collectively living within our means, without resorting to starving our poorest citizens.

~N~

Introductions

I suppose I should start off by introducing myself and my "little" family. There's me, a 30-something. I have a masters degree in music, (hence my screen name: blondesoprano) but haven't really gotten to do a whole heck of a lot with that degree. My first child interrupted that career path for me, so I've had to find other things to do instead. :)

I married my husband in 97, and he's nearly 40. He's a music minister at a Baptist church, and we recently moved the whole family nearly 1000 miles to answer this special ministry call. He's a sweet, quiet, thoughtful man, who perfectly balances out my exuberance and over-extravertism.

We have three children, aged 9 1/2, 6 and 4 1/2. (Yes, those last two were definitely God's spacing, not my choice. *chuckles*)

My oldest son has ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was about 6 1/2. Anyone who has a child with ADHD, suffers from it herself, or knows a friend or family member can tell you that it can really interfere with "normal" everyday life. Fortunately for me, my son C was my first kid, so I didn't know what normal really meant. We live with a modified "normal" everyday, and it's not always fun, but it works for us. :) C is in third grade right now.

My 6 year old daughter, T, is a typical drama-queen little princess. She came into the world 4 weeks early, beet-red, and screaming at the top of her lungs. She's grown into a wonderfully sweet little young lady, but she still has her own ideas about things, and won't hesitate to let you know if she's upset about something. T is a kindergartner.

My little baby boy, D, is too charming for his own good, and quite the precocious little guy too. He can already read and write about as well as his sister. For the most part, he's easy going, good-natured, and a true cuddle-bug. He's heading to kindergarten in the Fall, and that will mean we have three in school and no more "babies." A real bittersweet time.

I was really looking forward to starting a career in opera/choral singing. I sometimes see my friends who are living in NYC or LA and maintaining very successful singing careers and think... wow, I sure wish I could do that too. But when I look into the eyes of my little ones, I know that God gave me a different path than I thought I would take.

I'm not going to sit here and say, oh parenting is wonderful, my kids are perfect, and I don't mind at all any sacrifices I've had to make, because they're all so WORTH it!

But neither will I complain that my life is over now that I've had kids.

What I will say is that trying to raise children when you don't have much money in this country is SO hard. I am not one of those mothers who fed her babies organic homemade baby food, used 100% natural unbleached cloth diapers, or has a spotless home. I don't have a degree in teaching or early childhood development. I learned a few tricks from working at a pre-school for a couple years and from some parenting classes along the way, but mostly I just wing it. I don't have a perfect plan, my house is always a disaster, and we are pretty unorganized. I clip millions of coupons and shop sales to get freebies or super-cheap stuff, just to keep our bills from being more than a couple months late, so we don't go into bankruptcy.

And here's a little secret. While it would be nice to be able to be home when the kids get off school in the afternoon, I am actually really looking FORWARD to getting back into the workplace. Spending time at home listening to non-stop child jabber & arguments, cleaning out poopy underwear because the kids just won't potty train, and worrying endlessly about how to pay all the bills just wears me out and keeps me on the brink of depression. Getting back out there with adults and quiet times, and meaningful work to keep me busy sounds like a little piece of heaven right now.

I'm sure I'll feel differently once I'm actually in that dream job, though! *smiles.*

So that's just a peek into my life right now. I hope I'll think of a better blog title soon. For now, I hope you enjoy "Still working on a snazzy title." :)

~N~

Back to blogging

I used to keep a blog, but it's been a while now.

I'm still setting this one up at this point. Don't even have a great name for it, not even sure what I'm going to write about!

I think mostly, this will be a place to vent about some of the unique challenges I've faced as a mother in impoverished America, with a special-needs son. But also a place to talk about the joys and blessings my husband and I have found in being parents.

We'll see how this all turns out. :) I used to be complimented on my writing skills, but I'm a little nervous they've just faded away!!!

Thanks for reading, and there will be more to come.

~N~